Sunday, 30 April 2017

Worth the Wait

Before I was pregnant with Sebastian, I had two miscarriages. One of them was particularly difficult. I remember when I was pregnant with Sebastian thinking that there was no way I would really be able to fully love this child. I remember thinking that he was our backup baby. That the baby I loss in my first miscarriage was my "real child".

Remembering these thoughts haunts me. I know they were a product of the grief I was feeling for those babies that were never to be, and I carry guilt when I think of how I used to feel about being pregnant with Sebastian. Because now when I look at Sebastian as he turns five years old, I know in the depths of my heart and soul that he was the child I was meant to have.  

I do still wonder about those other babies. I remember them and send warmth and love their way, wherever they are now. I ask myself sometimes what they would have been like. Were they boys or girls? Would they have been better sleepers at night? Would they have loved Pokemon, and Shopkins, and I Spy books with Sebastian's passion? How would I be different if I hadn't had that year of loss in my life? Would I have still struggled with postpartum depression

When these questions come and threaten to spiral in me, all it takes is one of Sebastian's smiles, hugs, or laughs and I know that he was entirely worth the wait. Worth the pain. Worth the tears. And I know that my fears of being unable to love him fully were unfounded. 

Now I feel that we are so blessed to be his parents. If I hadn't experienced those two losses, Sebastian wouldn't be here, and I wouldn't get to be his mom. He would have never known the joys of life, and we would have never known the joy of him, of who he is, and of the gifts he has to offer.

It's hard to feel thankful for loss, but for the path that lead me to him, I will be eternally grateful.


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